1. As soon as you start speaking, everyone else in the room gasps for air.

2. Your jacket has fungus growing on it.

3. You can remember a particularly useful argument from a book you saw in a library when you visited Stockholm thirty-two years ago. You remember the title and author of the book, the colour of the cover, the location on the shelf, and how far down the page the argument comes.

However, you can’t remember whether your eldest child is named Andrew, Reginald, or Dorothy.

4. You go to libraries when you visit Stockholm.

5.  Without a trace of sarcasm, you produce well-formed sentences which include the phrase “really interesting paper on counterfactual conditionals”.

6.  Nearly every time you include “my students” in a sentence, the sentence is heavily loaded with sarcasm.